Then imagine the Express had a peak, giving us unmatchable insights into Rachel Reeves’s strategic thinking as Budget day looms on November 26. It might look something like this….
Monday 17 November. 9am. Arrive at work to find the Treasury in chaos. Or as Wes Streeting cynically calls it, business as usual. Everyone’s in uproar over press reports that I’m lining up a new “milkshake tax” in the Budget. Apparently, I’m going to end the rule that exempts milk-based sugary drinks, including flavoured lattes, from tax. First I’d heard of this, but it does sound a jolly good idea.
For too long, Britons have enjoyed dairy-based sugar drinks without contributing to the Exchequer. Under Labour, that simply cannot continue. This loophole costs the nation £100million, which, as a child maths prodigy, I’ve quickly worked out accounts for 90% of the £30billion black hole I have to fill.
The milkshake tax will be the centrepiece of my new fiscal regime, along with hiking income tax if we’re still doing that. I don’t know from one day to the next. So much going on!
10am. Pre-scheduled Treasury meeting to discuss what’s in next week’s Budget. It turns out nobody knows. “We’d better hurry up,” I tell staff. “The Budget is only seven days away.” “Nine days, actually,” one aide says. I give him a hard look.
Then we all remember I’m not actually writing the Budget this year. Pensions minister Torsten Bell is. That was Keir Starmer’s idea. The PM said I deserved a rest after all the excitement generated by last year’s statement. Angela Rayner, who was still in the cabinet then, piped up: “The whole country deserves a rest from your Budgets, Rache.”
Everyone laughed. A lot. Possibly too much. Angela later reassured me: “Taxpayers will never forget what you did.”
Angela later resigned over that unfortunate stamp duty mix-up but she still takes an interest. Only last week she begged me to scrap stamp duty altogether. “Isn’t that Kemi Badenoch’s idea?” I asked.
“Yes, but you could go further by backdating it to just before I bought my £800,000 second home in Hove.” I didn’t see the point of that but Angela pressed my hand and said: “I’ll reward you when I’m PM.”
That confused me. Checked online: Keir is still PM, not Angela Rayner. What could she be thinking?
10.30am. Treasury in chaos. Again. Wondering why, I check my phone. Apparently I’m not hiking income tax in the Budget. How odd. I’m sure that was the plan on Friday.
Honestly, I do wish the internet would make up its mind.
11am. Feeling peckish. David Lammy sticks his head round the door: “Want anything from the canteen? A cafe latte, maybe?”
He seemed making some kind of point but I couldn’t work out what it was. David persisted: “A diary-based sugary drink, maybe?” I still didn’t get it. He tried again. “Milkshake?”
That sounded nice so I said yes, thank you. David burst out laughing and walked off. Strange man. He never did bring my shake.
Checked the internet. Discovered I’m also introducing a property tax. Wonderful idea. Wish I’d thought of it. Spent the next half hour wondering who did.
12.30pm. Torsten Bell arrives half an hour late for our midday meeting and says breezily: “Sorry, Rachel. Important work to do.”
He says the Budget is 10 days away. That confused me so he asked: “We’re still sticking to November 26, right?” I nodded. “Just checking we hadn’t done a U-turn on the date.”
Checked my phone. Nope. Still the 26th.
Torsten has another brilliant tax-raising idea. He was in a restaurant last night where they added a discretionary 12.5% service charge. I expressed my surprise and Torsten said: “Not an issue for you, Rachel. I guess Lord Alli usually picks up the tab.”
I told him Lord Alli doesn’t pay for every meal. Other friends take their turn too. Also for concert tickets, trouser suits etc.
Torsten suggests HMRC should introduce a similar 12.5% “discretionary charge” on every tax return. “Taxpayers will be happy to pay. HMRC has such brilliant service,” he beams.
“But what if taxpayers don’t want to pay 12.5% more tax?” Quick as a flash he said: “We make it compulsory.”
Brilliant man, Torsten. Truly brilliant.
1pm. Lunchtime. Treasury in chaos. Again. My thoughts turn to lunch. Now where is Lord Alli? Perhaps he can tell me what’s in the Budget? Because I still haven’t got a clue myself.